Participating in a Married Couples Weekend, February 2003
It’s difficult – no make that impossible – to write this without crying along with letting the words flow. The last two wedding anniversaries that Craig and I had, he was in the hospital with infection surgeries. Last year he was in Intensive Care and didn’t remember later the little party we had in his room. This year Craig is probably more with me than he was last year! However, I’m still mostly commemorating the occasion by myself…with a little help from my friends. Am I feeling self-pity? Sorrow for the change in my circumstances? Pissed off that I’ve been “abandoned”!? Yes, yes, and yes. And yet, others are encouraging me to honor the good and celebrate that we actually stayed happily married for these 10 years. I can be in that frame of mind, too.
I loved Craig’s smile, his hugs, the warmth of him against my cold feet, his passion, his singing and music, his thoughtfulness in making us tea in the mornings and evenings, his enthusiasm about yard projects, his commitment to keep trying to build unity even when it seemed impossible to me, his loyalty, his steadfastness, his peacefulness…. I have been so incredibly supported and encouraged and championed in these years. Whatever work or goal I wanted to take on and do, Craig made it possible for me to try.
When we met, Craig was well known for impulsively jumping into situations. He was willing to totally shift this pattern, and we learned together how to be very proficient at making consultative decisions. He was willing to transform his relationships with his family, and working together with me, he made great progress in healing them. He had the strength and confidence and love to allow me to greatly influence him in positive directions. And I did my best to allow him to do the same for me. I’m a far better person today because of the years I spent with Craig and the gentle touch of his nature on mine.
We did many types of service to others separately, but we did many together. We loved “projects”! We realized early on in our marriage that we were both very capable people, and others asked both of us to do much. We agreed to not say “yes” to others without consultation, and we created a set of decision-making questions to help us determine whether anything we said “yes” to would have a detrimental effect on our marriage. We felt that maintaining our marriage was a primary form of service to ourselves, our families, and to others watching us be happy together. So, it was important to us to not be on overload and overly outward-focused. Balance and moderation were vital.
Craig and I were very compatible in many ways. We didn’t like watching television, preferring to read. We did not want pets in our home. We loved to pray together, and did our best to do it daily, even when one of us was traveling. We liked to be hospitable, although he was always more relaxed about it than I was able to be. He loved to give house tours, and it took some coaching for him to give me a few minutes to hide underwear or tidy up!
We were highly intentional in creating a marriage that would work for us both. Before marrying, we wrote down a list of commitments for what we wanted our marriage to look like (see below). Before these years of illness and now absence, it was our practice to re-visit our list on our anniversaries to assess whether we were on target or needed to set goals to address something that wasn’t going the way we wanted. Our biggest ongoing challenge was being too serious and having difficulty with lightening up together! One year at a marriage conference, we learned that it was vital for couples to have fun with one another to stay happily married. Once we realized that it was the responsible thing to do to have fun, we did very well with almost weekly date nights!
Doing the Marriage Transformation Project together was both a joy and a challenge (www.marriagetransformation.com). We were honestly thrilled to be making a difference for so many couples. However, we ended up using most of Craig’s vacation days traveling to do workshops. So, vacations got pretty non-existent in later years or we did runaway weekends. Gradually over time, the day-to-day passion of the project became mine more than Craig’s, and we were beginning to have consultations about whether there was another passion that might draw him more fully into participation. With the marriage project, he became primarily background support with finances and planning discussions. I wonder now what his passion will be as an angel!?
Craig and I were committed to having a happy, low-conflict, peaceful marriage, and I think we did great at achieving this. He did learn the skill of letting me know when he was upset at me. I had less trouble in that area! But both of us were good at clearing things up promptly, forgiving, and moving on. Being good at consulting and sharing together helped a lot. We had some pretty heavy issues over the years…finances, my parent’s divorce and father’s re-marriage, his father’s death, his son’s brain tumor, running a home-based business, kids living or staying with us, blending families, the parental consent for marriage process with two of our children, and finally Craig’s own brain cancer. So, it’s not that there were no issues in our lives. It’s just that we did well at facing them and holding one another as we worked through them.
Before we got married, we recognized that we were likely to have a handful of challenges living with one another. He wasn’t all that into cleanliness and thought I’d be obsessive about it. I eased up…somewhat…and also showed him lots of benefits for it, so he adjusted well J. He was concerned about my judgmentalism…well, what can I say…it’s still pretty automatic, but I’m much better now at shifting into being loving and accepting after years of his example and influence. It took time within our marriage to recognize that while Craig was very gentle and laid-back in temperament, he never liked to do anything slowly. He walked faster than me, always eager to get to the destination. I mostly learned to call him purposeful instead of impatient! But, it was a test for me at times, as we then didn’t hold hands on walks as often as I would have liked.
I suppose when I reflect on moments that I loved the best, at least those which can be mentioned publicly!, I am transported to places where we traveled and spent time. I remember our being in Hawaii early on in our marriage with our four parents. The helicopter over the lava flow, swimming with the dolphins, diving among tropical fish, jumping into enormous waves, and watching the waterfall…it was splendid. We branched off of a business trip of Craig’s and did a weekend on the Outer Banks of North Carolina by Cape Hatteras, where he got his Native American flute. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary at Lover’s Point near Monterey, California. We traveled to China and Florida to visit family. Later in our marriage was Israel and spending days together at the Bahá’í Shrines praying together. We recognized at that time that Craig was feeling very challenged spiritually, desperately wanting to feel more connected to God. The trip got him started on that reconnection, and the journey with cancer completed it.
We began our marriage with the struggle to re-balance after our need to be together collided with the speed at which we connected after Craig’s separation and divorce. The whole family had healing to do. Craig and I made the conscious choice to not have further children, although at times it was a sorrow to not have one together, particularly for me. We’ve done our best to love each other’s children, and that’s been good. When the first grandchild came, Karida, we were delighted to be together as grandparents. When the second one came, Aidan, both Craig’s son (the baby’s father) and Craig were dealing with brain tumors, and it was more challenging to spend time together and to bond. With the third one, Giuliana, Craig is with her spiritually, but I’m being Nana “by myself”. Craig being gone as a grandfather for both the current and the future grandchildren is a major sorrow for the kids as well as for me.
We ended our physical marriage with the family hugely healed, but with the test of Craig’s illness. We did our best as a couple to keep our marriage strong during cancer’s disruption. At times, I felt more caregiver than wife…but then taking care of his needs was part of being a wife. Throughout his cancer journey, as best as we flexibly could, we still dated, we still made love, we still consulted, we still prayed, we still moved forward with our spiritual development as people, and we still served others to the best of our ability. I then did the final physical service to him of helping his close friends with his body washing and shrouding and letting him go into the ground.
Now he’s spiritually surrounding me, in guardian angel/protector/helper mode…just as he was here, but so much more powerfully. I have moments where I feel as if I’m having a normal conversation with him. There are times when I’m floating in the ocean and feeling surrounded by sunlight that I feel the light of his soul very present. Then at other times, my own grief or periods of intense emotions get in the way of feeling him near. It’s all part of the adjustment process.
From a Bahá’í perspective, Craig and I are married for all eternity…our souls are connected because of the bond of love and friendship between us. From a family perspective, we are all adjusting to what this means. Some days I feel as if I’m still part of the blended family, and some days I wonder whether the rest of the family thinks I’m still part of them. I wonder about blood connections, marriage connections, love connections. Craig asked me to do my best to stay connected to his family, I promised to try, and I’m doing my best. Craig and I talked about whether I would re-marry (the Bahá’í teachings allow for this). We agreed to make no promises on the matter but simply to trust that the future would unfold and be clear as we went forward. He really wanted to ask me not to, though, which was simply a great testimony to how happy we have been together.
I’ve been sad this week as our anniversary approached. It’s hard doing an anniversary “alone”. I was determined not to tie grief to certain calendar dates…and here I am doing it. It’s good for me to take this time to grieve, though. It’s also good to take this time to celebrate the really extraordinary accomplishment that our marriage has been and will continue to be. I’m grateful for the family and friends who encouraged me to do this writing.
Much love,
Susanne
p.s. Here is my funeral tribute to Craig in case you missed it: www.claricomm.com/SpouseTributetoCraig.pdf
FROM OUR WEDDING PROGRAM:
Honoring Their Union: Susanne and Craig
United in mind, heart, and soul, we affirm that the intent of our relationship is to create an extraordinary family. Our commitment is to:
· Treat each other with love, honor, respect, courtesy, and integrity.
· Support and encourage each other's personal growth and transformation and the transformation of others.
· Honor and respect our own and each other's physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs and assist each other in meeting those needs wherever possible.
· Fully express and share all aspects of our selves and our lives.
· Deal with issues that arise as soon as possible.
· Be fully conscious, fully present.
· Maintain some time alone.
· Cherish, honor, and respect our children by nurturing bonds of communication and love.
· Build and maintain loving and open relationships with all family members.
· Enrich our lives with separate and mutual friendships.
· Pray separately and together daily.
· Read and deepen on the Bahá'í Writings together daily.
· Be examples of service to ourselves, each other, our families, friends, and communities.
· Be playful, have fun, and incorporate humor into daily life.
· Act with integrity in all things, particularly in our finances, our work, and our service commitments.
· Enrich our lives with the arts.
· Be patient, accepting, and nurturing, maintaining the constancy of our relationship through times of adversity and when we are not being our best selves.
Fill Thou, O God, our homes with harmony and happiness,
With laughter and delight,
With radiant kindliness and overflowing joy.
That in the union of our hearts,
Thy love may find a lodging place
And Thou Thyself may make this home of ours Thine own.
~ George Townshend
