Dying with Your Eyes Wide Open – April 22, 2009

Craig’s physical condition went through changes over the last few days. He is experiencing difficulty with matching words with what is happening, so what comes out of his mouth often makes no sense and is quite different from what he is intending to say. He says he has some difficulty now in comprehending what is said as well, although that is less obvious to me. He is also now often forgetting names of those he knows well or giving people new names. I’m still waiting to see what he comes up with for me! Additionally, there is some decrease in his mobility.

On the soul side, we have finished the first draft of a book that contains Craig’s artwork and poetry from 1985 to 2000. We are still developing it, and plan to later add the artwork he is doing with Barbara, our hospice art therapist, but we are already very excited about its potential.

Recently Barbara mentioned that Craig was choosing to die with his “eyes wide open”. She cited the source of this phrase as Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D., in The Radiant Coat, Myths and Stories about the Crossing Between Life & Death. So, we ordered this book on CD and listened to it—fascinating material. I took a few scribbled notes of her insightful comments that occurred between the stories. I’m noting below some points that were most interesting and helpful for us:

- Death is our great companion and best friend who throughout our life nurtures, guides, doctors, and heals us, and at the end midwifes and transports us and is our accompanying guide to the next world, the next life

- We ally with Death when we enter it with our eyes wide open; Death meets us rather than reaches out to grab for us

- “Conscious Death”, the conscious crossing to the next world, requires these:

1. Clear Memory of where we are coming from, what we really are, and what the soul tasks are for us to do;

2. Clear Power to die in our own way and choose the quality of our mundane life and soul life in the process; refuse to allow others to interfere in our soul’s desire for restoration and healing

3. Clear Seeing about worldly attachments and illusions so it’s possible to let go of them; includes the gift of far seeing into the next world

4. Clear Knowing that helps with developing the intuition about the rightness of the process and time of leaving; a time of infinite joy when you see both this world and the next; it includes an increasing sense of inner and outer harmony

- Loving meditation and prayer helps us discover when Fate is ready to move us; we are chosen, we do not choose

- When the ego cries and grieves its perceived end, the result is emotions such as anger or denial, because the ego cannot go along for the journey

- Patience on this journey is required, as often the spirit is ready before the body is done

- Breathe forward to the next world, row to the next world, dance the next steps to being there, with eyes wide open have a clear birth and fly on

We have spent a couple of days thinking about these perspectives and discussing how they fit with our journey. I posed these questions to Craig, and to me as well (our responses are in the parentheses):

- Is he is in the mindset of trying to seek physical healing? (No, not anymore.)

- Are we using words these days that deny the possibility/probability of his passing? (Yes, at times.)

- Does he want to be in “Conscious Death” mode? (see below)

- Are we/he so attached to the creative process underway (music, painting, poetry) that this activity seems like a reason to stay here? (Maybe a little, but not really…it’s more like these are legacy projects)

Craig’s conclusion is that he wants to be in “Conscious Death” mode—Clear Memory, Clear Power, Clear Seeing, and Clear Knowing. I will shift, in response, the words that I’m using with him accordingly. Such an interesting adventure this all is…

Love,

Susanne (and Craig)