Physical Energy Dips; Spiritual Energy Soars – 4-15-09

For two weeks, Craig has been riding on a wave of energy and filled with creativity. We have matched up his collection of about 20 paintings from 1998-2000 with his poetry and have some kind of book creation underway with it (with the help of our art therapist from hospice). He’s newly created about 25 additional abstract drawings and paintings, many of them with small inserted eyes and smiles. He describes them as “fun” and “happy”. Our home is filled with music. We’ve given away about 60 of the CD’s we made for Craig’s honoring/funeral service, simply asking people to ignore the statement on the back about the CD being in honor of his passing and for them to enjoy the music!

Our home feels pulsing with love. Oh, there are moments…when the phone rings one too many times (no don’t use this comment as a reason to not call!), or my rest time is filled with difficult discussions with friends, or I start crying at a sentimental love song the music therapist sings, or there is some unexpected hassle to deal with. But then, tonight we watched the DVD movie “August Rush” about love and music, and Nik stopped serendipitously with daffodils and hugs, and life balances out. We were also blessed this past weekend with Craig’s family driving in from Pennsylvania with Easter dinner.

The last couple of days, Craig’s physical energy began to dip. He’s sleeping more and having a bit more difficulty walking. His speech has become harder to understand, much to his frustration. Sometimes I just cannot figure out what he is trying to say. For the first time, he is beginning to lose the names of those close to him. Today he asked me to read him the eulogy he wrote for friend Kevin Clavin, who died in 1994. Craig is confident Kevin will be one of his “spirit guides” on into the next world. Someone to show him where the bathroom and gas station are! One of his paintings today began to depict the re-opening of the next world to him. (But we have clear instructions from Craig that there is to be no “fussing” happening around him about the possibility of dying!)

I often wake in the middle of the night and tiptoe downstairs. I stand in Craig’s doorway and listen to him breathe. There’s such comfort in hearing that sound. I say a prayer for him, and then I tiptoe back to my own bed. And try to resume sleeping. I’m so very tired. But happy too. I said at support group last night that much to my surprise, the last four months of “funeral planning” have been among the best times in our marriage. Spending more time with family and friends, connecting with long-lost friends, reading love letters and journal entries, reflecting on the course of our relationship, gathering and playing Craig’s music, singing, enjoying photographs, creating art…so many gifts enjoyed together.

We are remembering that we recently passed the one-year anniversary of our attending a weekend for Exceptional Cancer Patients (ECAP) and family in Meadville, Pennsylvania (www.ecap-online.org). Craig clearly links the quality of his cancer journey to Bernie Siegel’s ECAP philosophy as outlined in Love, Medicine, and Miracles. Craig is clearly an Exceptional Man, too!

Love,

Susanne (and Craig)